| Starts With Goodbye |
[Wednesday
February 13th, 2008 at 11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
So much has been going on lately. I suppose I'll start with the most confusing one.
so, i wrote addy a message on myspace saying that i dont wanna be friends with her anymore. I lied. I really do wanna stay friends, but i figured that by not talking, maybe it would be easier for me to let go. she wrote me back, and was basically like do what you have to do. but she said some stuff that made me wonder if i was doing the right thing or not. her and jay were at kcu monday and tuesday. laura hung out with them and said that they talked about me for a while, but she only said that addy was confused as to why i didnt wanna talk to her anymore. so of course i started feeling really guilty! i wrote addy another message that pretty much explained everything. i said a lot of things that i needed to get off my chest... not everything, but enough. she still hasn't read it yet though and its driving me crazy! i'm just afraid she wont understand it at all. i miss her and jay so much, and lately its been a lot worse for som reason. oh and get this! theres a girl in my spanish class named ANNIE and she looks almost IDENTICAL to addy - same body type, personality, everything! It sucks because everywhere i go something / someone reminds me of her. this is so stupid! its been over 2 years and i still havent let go of jay and addy. i just want to get over everything and still be friends with them. i remember when steve and laura left i told myself not to get close to jay and addy because they would end up leaving. im so glas that i didnt listen to myself, even though i was right! my 4 years with jay and addy were the best 4 years of my life! i just wish i was still that same person. i used to be loud and crazy and funny around them, but im sure that if i saw them today i wouldnt have much to say. i feel like everything would just be too awkward for me. i just wish they couldve been here for me last year when i went through all that crap. they have no idea what all i went through, and i feel like they judge me because of it. i feel like they think i did all that stuff because i wanted to. but thats so wrong. i did it because it was the only thing i could do, it was the only thing i had to turn to. i really am hoping that things change between us for the better... and soon! but i feel like im getting my hopes up for another disappointment from them. i dont want to be the only one making an effort to keep in touch. it goes two ways, and if they aren't going to commit then i dont want to either. i mean it will pretty much tear me apart inside, but im not gonna waste my time if neither of them are gonna commit to anything.
ugh! it's just sooooo frustrating, because i dont know what either of them are thinking and i would call them but i know that if i did i would just agree with everything they say and not tell them ho i really feel. and no one else knows what im going through so its hard for them to understand why im having such a hard time with this... heck i dont even understand it! i just dont even know what to do anymore. part of me wants to talk to addy/jay but i just cant do it. ugh! i dont know what to do!
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| im so fucking sick of this!!! |
[Thursday
February 8th, 2007 at 4:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 irate |
] |
i hate my life sooooo much right now!!! i hate my family especially! hell i wouldnt even consider them family anymore. and i would be perfectly happy if i never had to see any of them ever again! i seriously can't take this anymore and i dont know what to do! for those of you who know me it takes a whole lot to make me mad... well this is me being mad! im just so sick of this shit and i dont want to deal with it anymore!
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| hokay..so! |
[Friday
January 26th, 2007 at 12:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
so basically things still suck ALOT and theyre not gonna get much better. but instead of staying mad at people i just have to get over it i guess. i honestly thought things would change but that's just not gonna happen, which is unfortunate becuz next year might not turn out as well as planned, but whatever i'll get over that too. so yea. that's about it.
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[Sunday
January 21st, 2007 at 3:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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frustrated |
] |
well this pretty much sucks. things were supposed to get better not worse!!! ugh!
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| eh... |
[Saturday
January 20th, 2007 at 7:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
so today as i was cleaning the apartment, i came across some pictures in my room. and as i was looking at them all i wanted to do was close my eyes and pretend i was reliving those moments. it's nearing the end of january which means that it's getting closer to my depression phase. it hit me really hard today too for some reason. as me, jackie, and christa were driving to muskegon to take picutres they would be in the front seat laughing and talking and i just sat in the back seat starring out the window and not saying a word. i dont mind starring out the window, actually i like it alot, but just watching everything move by so fast made me think of how fast my life has gone. i kept thinking of me and rachel and all the good tiems we've had, and how they went by so fast. i really missed her today. I hate feeling depressed becuz i feel like im trying to draw attention to myself, when im really not. then tonight i was looking online at some concert tickets to go see MAE and so i called rachel and we talked for a good 5 min and as we were laughing histerically on the phone my eyes started to water and soon i was balling... mostly becuz i was laughing so hard, but then when i came into the family room and jackie and christa wanted to know what was so funny, my eyes watered up again, but this time it wasnt becuz i was laughing, well christa and jackie thought it was becuz i was laughing, but it was becuz i miss her soooo much. but theres not a whole lot i can do about that anymore. so yea... i dunno whats gonna happen. i know on jan 29th im going to be really depressed, and i think its just going to gradually start getting worse until jan 29th passes by, but who knows. well i guess thats enough for now.
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| I'M MOVING!!!!! |
[Saturday
January 13th, 2007 at 12:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
yay! im moving out today and i am soooooooooooooooooo excited! all i wanna do is jump up and down and scream im so happy! yea, i said im HAPPY! haha its been a long time since ive truly been like this, and i smiled today and it was a real smile, not a forced one. it's bee a long time since ive done that too! ahhh!!! im just so excited for life right now! i have amazing friends, an amazing family, and God is just awesome! i cant even begin to describe how much relief i feel. when people used to say stuff like "it feels like a weight has been lifted" i was just like yea whatever, but it's SO true, you can literally feel it. well im gonna go move in!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!
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| this is for you! |
[Wednesday
January 10th, 2007 at 12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thankful |
] |
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU CHRISTA!!!!!!! =] thanks for bein there for me buddy. and you know i'm here for you! =] i heart you sugar booger!
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| blah. |
[Monday
January 8th, 2007 at 7:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 mellow |
] |
man last night i was in bed by 11:30, didn't fall asleep until 1ish, then woke up @ 4:30am and was wide awake until like 5:30, then i had to wake up at 7:30 to get ready for school. whew! that was a rough night, but today but pretty much amazing! i was glad to see everyone again. and today me, christa, jackie, and sam, all got to see sammy's new room! he moved out of his apt cuz him and chris got in a fight. but yea my classes were decent. kinda boring, but decent. oh! and mon-fri. i dont have any class from 10am to 3pm. how frickin awesome is that!? so i think im just gonna work out during that time. tuesdays and thursdays i only have class from 8am to 10am. haha and then im done for the rest of the day. =] but yea tonight is the campus praise rally (CPR) and andrew was talking to me about it and i told him i would go, and then later today at lunch christa mentions it, so now ALL of my friends are going!!!! yay!!! im soooo excited! idk what it is exactly, but i hear its alot of fun! so we'll see. ok im done for now!
p.s. idk who all reads this but i dont write in here that often unless im extremely bored, extremely upset, or extremely happy! haha
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| memories... |
[Thursday
January 4th, 2007 at 10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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confused |
] |
so for about the past month or so i've been trying really hard to forget all about jay and addy. and i was doing good too. then my uncle asked if i wanted to go to ohio with him and we could see them, so i of course said yes, because i hadnt seen them in a while and i thought it would be kinda nice. so we went down there and the whole time i was fine. i didnt really say much, so i figured that forgetting about them really was working... then, when Addy hugged me goodbye, i didnt wanna let go. i realized that i still do miss her soooooo much. and when she hugged me, she really hugged me, and no one has hugged me like that in a loooooong time. and i realize how much i miss being hugged and being able to go over to her house and do nothing but sit and talk and watch movies. i mean now that nate and jess have come into the picture things are getting better, and i really admire and look up to jess, but i just get this vibe from her that she doesnt like to be touched.. i know that sounds really wierd but i dunno how else to explain it.
also this whole break has just flat out sucked! i feel like i dont have anyone to talk to anymore. it's too awkward hanging out with my friends from high school, and when i hang out with rachel i feel like all she wants to do is get drunk. dont get me wrong, im all for having a good time, but i dont wanna get drunk. i feel like our friendship is fading fast and i hate it becuz shes like the closest thing i have to family right now. ever since i came home me and my family have been fighting non-stop. i hate it... especially when my dad calls me "his little girl" and then a minute later he's cussing me out for something. and every day this break all i could think about was how much i hated my family and how much i wish i could just run away.
theres just so much on my mind right now, and i feel like i need to get it all off my chest but idk how. i hate talking to people about my problems becuz i feel like im just asking for sympathy. but i honestly dont know what to do anymore...
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| ugh |
[Saturday
December 9th, 2006 at 12:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
] |
So today officially sucked. I was in tears for most of the day. I woke up and was all happy becuz I just had to go turn in my writing portfolio and then i was done right? WRONG! dusche bag royer decided to make an example out of me in front of the whole class yet again! i wanna shoot that man. i did nothing wrong. he thought one of my papers was too short. well he never gave a specific page limit. well after him yelling at me and i kept blowing him off i was livid. i can't even remember the last time i was that mad. and on top of that i lost my phone last night so now i wont have a phone until prolly friday =[.
while i was sitting here in my room today i started thinking about Addy. I miss her like crazy. she made a huge impact on my life. and when she left she said that we would stay in touch. and for a while we did. but it was me that was taking the time to keep in touch, not her. and now im pretty sick of being the only one that ever does anything. i miss her terribly and i always will but i think i just need to let go. it just sucks becuz for the past 5-6 years i've considered her my hero, but i guess that means nothing now. i really do wanna see her again but i just dont see that happening anytime soon. she always said that she wanted to plan my bachelorette party haha, but that's just not going to happen. it's so incredibly hard to do this but i dont have any other choice but to say goodbye... forever.
well all my friends here went clubbing tonight. i really wish i couldve gone, but 1. i cant dance for the life of me. 2. i dont do well in crowded places. 3. i just wanted to relax... but now im just super duper bored. so basically school sucks, im ready for a break, and i just cant wait until next year!
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| it's a beautiful day |
[Monday
October 9th, 2006 at 12:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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chipper |
] |
wow! this weekend was simply amazing!! i went to a party friday night and hung out with some really cool people, but i had to leave early cuz i didnt wanna spend the night at the house it was at, so i had kimmy come and get me. then me, kim, christa, and laci played euchre for a while. im not even sure who won... prolly me n kim tho =]
then saturday was the football game. it was a really nice day for a game too. it was kinda boring at first... chris kept trying to get me to take sammy's hat outta his back pocket... he's so immature sometimes, and yea gvsu killed mercyhurst. and then after the game me and kim went and picked up the mo melly and we all had a sleepover @ kim's. that was really fun cuz i have seen melissa in sooo long! we watched ever after, the movie, and of course i fell asleep =] but its all good. then we went to mars hill sunday morning and then i had a soccer game on sunday evening. it was really cool cuz KP-1st floor showed up to cheer us on... lucas did not bring a sign tho =[ haha i told him he better bring one next time or else. haha
so last night my BRILLIANT roommate decides to go to a party... BAD IDEA! shes been puking all morning, she missed writing class for the 3rd time (ur only allowed to miss 4) and she thinks she has alcohol poisoning but doesnt wanna tell anyone. heh. i do kinda feel sorry for her, but at the same time it's her own fault. see, when i go to parties, i at least know how to limit myself. becuz i dont want to be like jill and spend all day on the floor. but w/e. her problem not mine. well thats pretty much it for now.
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[Sunday
October 1st, 2006 at 9:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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frustrated |
] |
wow. what a weekend. i have VERY bad anxiety and this weekend it really proved to be real. it's extremely frustrating to have to go through this. My mom gave me this anxiety/depression thing so I'm gonna try it and i really hope it works. I honestly feel like I've been robbed of living my life because of it.
man, college is still kinda frustrating... im not good at makign new friends so i still dont really have any... i mean i have lots of people who i talk to, but i would like never hang out with them. and the friends that i do have never really wanna do anything. kim and katie are always gone, amanda's always studying, and christa... blah, im really frustrated with her right now. everything is all about laci. i like laci, i think she's awesome, but honestly every frickin time i see christa i get to hear more laci stories and im sick of it! and then i'll be hanging out with both christa and laci and all they talk about are inside jokes or things that go on in their dorm. its sooooo annoying!!!!
it's great that she's made a new friend, but seriously she doesn't have to completely ignore me everytime she's with her.
ugh! everything's so anooying right now. and i dont think jessica likes me. all summer she's tried sooo hard to get me to like her and now i finally do and she wants nothing to do with me. its really disappointing. but i mean, i guess i really shouldnt be becuase its not like im even in youth group. but i still really want her to like me. oh well.
so yea thats pretty much it.
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| im sick of this! |
[Wednesday
August 30th, 2006 at 10:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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frustrated |
] |
so tonight jill invites 10 other ppl to come on over into OUR dorm tmrw and have pizza and get drunk. im all for the pizza but honestly why does everything have to turn into a fuckin party?! and then she tells me that this weekend while shes hooking up with some random guy shes gonna have him buy for her to bring back here and shes planning on throwing parties over here!!! im so fucking sick of her doing this shit alla time!!! and idk what to do! im not the type of person to confront someone about things. especially things like this. and i know that if i say something she'll tell everyone else on our floor and then no one for sure will wanna talk to me. argh!!!! im so sick of jill. like she can be really sweet and nice but seriously ENOUGH WITH THE PARTIES!!!!! argh!
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| woo! |
[Sunday
August 27th, 2006 at 1:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
yea so college is alot better, but still kinda boring. classes start tmrw and im really really nervous. but my schedule is frickin saweet! i have 3 classes on monday which sucks, but only 1 on tuesday, 2 on wednesday, and only 1 on both thursday and friday. so that makes my happy. Lately ive been working out here too, which is good cuz i really didnt think i was going to but im glad i am. today christa and katie went to work out but i didnt go becuz yesterday i ran for 25min straight and im sooooo sore.
haha so this morning was pretty funny. me and jill both have our beds lofted, and theres only one ladder so we have to share it. well fr the past couple of days ive just been jumping to the ladder (becuz its on her side) and then climbing down. well, this morning as i leaped off of my bed, i realized i was about 12in too far to the right. so i completely missed the ladder. it was the funniest thing ever!
rachel called me last night and we talked for a little while. i really really miss her. rachel and jenny and me have been best friends since we were 5... well me n rachel since we were 6 months old and then jenny came when we were 5. i really miss them both alot. luckily i at least get to see jenny this up coming weekend, but i wont get to see rachel til prolly spring break. cuz she goes to alpena for x-mas so im not sure if ill get to see her then or not. but whatever. im sure it will all work out somehow. well i think this is good for now.
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| oh man |
[Thursday
August 24th, 2006 at 9:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
wow. i'm a college student. how weird. i never thought i would live to see this day, but i did. All summer i've been so excited for it. I had been talking about it constantly. but now that I'm here it sucks. there's nothing to do. christa has plenty of people to hang out with and im stuck with my roommate. and im not a uge fan of her. i couldve killed ehr last night! all her puking! ugh! i wanted to shoot her in the face. but yea shes a partier, and i dont like it. shes recently made friends with the girls across the hall and they always have ppl over in their room. but i cant help but feel left out. i mean i know i can just stop in, but theyre not my kind of people and it would be awkward. so basically i just sit here and do nothing all day. it sucks to grow up. i miss being home. i miss my family surprisingly. and i miss my friends. maybe im just nervous still. i mean once classes start im sure ill meet some new people...i hope. but yea. as of right now college sucks and i dont wanna be here at all. but i know it will get better.
the chorus of this song describes EXACTLY how i feel right now.
"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up. and everybody does. it's so weird to be back here. let me tell you what. the years go on and we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it." <-- that sums it up pretty well.
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| I never expected this... |
[Sunday
January 29th, 2006 at 3:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
Wow, i can honestly say that i never expected this to happen. never in a million years. jay and addy are leaving. i actually thought they would be the first to stick it out and stay but i was so wrong. i cant even describe how i feel right now... angry, sad, disappointed, depressed. i can honestly say that jay and addy have been the most influential people in my life.
when steve and laura left i told myself not to become real close with jay and addy for fear that they too would leave us.. well i screwed that one up. and now its that time again... 4 years is up and so jay and addy are now officially leaving memorial. :( i guess i can understand why they want to leave.. family, friends, money. i just wish it wasnt real. i wish i could just keep living the same days over and over again with them and with the rest of my youth group. i think this is the most ive ever cried in my entire life. i feel like somebody literally tore out my heart and stomped all over it. well i guess this is enough for now.
peace
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| 6 MORE DAYS!!!! |
[Saturday
January 14th, 2006 at 7:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
Wow! it's been soooooo long since the last time i've updated this. myspace has pretty much taken over my life! Anyways, here's my countdowns:
6 days til Freeze
26 days til i turn 18
92 days til my cruise
162 days til summer in the son
this is gonna be a great year.
and for all of u who dont know already, im gonna be going to grand valley next year
with christa, april, jenny, and plenty of other ppl. im really excited bout it. its such a nice campus.
ok well thats all for now. ttyl
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[Sunday
October 23rd, 2005 at 9:24pm] |
Wow! i havent done this in a while. Things have been going pretty good. i cant really complain. today me and rachel went shopping and both got track jackets on a 2 for 1 deal. and lemme tell you, we look hott! lol.
Tonight was pretty fun too. I love my youth group! everyone is sooo amazing!! OMG! it was soooo funny! Today, at youth group, me n rachel were in the b-room talking and becky walks in. and we were just all like hey becky, and then she grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to her! then rachel tried to save me and tried to pull me away, but then she pulled rachel in to her!! THEN, she yanked us both and threw us in a stall w/ her, and she locked the door!!!! Now, wouldnt you be scared if a 300 pound retard locked u in a toilet stall with her??? yea, thats how i felt. but yea it was sooo funny but sooo scary all at once.
Yea, idk what else to type in here... so i guess ill ttyl. g'night kids.
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| Are you kidding me?! |
[Friday
September 2nd, 2005 at 9:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
So, on Monday me n Nick were gonna hang out. First we played pool at both my house and his house. And of course he won both times... but I hope he knows i was just lettin' him off easy ;) so then at 7, we went to the Farmington Civic to see the movie "Bewitched" becuz it's only like $3 to get in. Well, if you know anything about the Farmington Civic, you know that there are 2 stories to it. Our theatre was on the top floor. So we go up there, sit down, then Nick says, "I'll be right back, I need to go get a tissue." so im like ok whatever. So he starts walking down the stairs, then all a sudden all you hear is BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!...THUD!!!! and I started cracking up!! It was soooooo funny! then this old lady turns and looks at me from the row across from me and all I could say was, "He's NOT my boyfriend!!" HAHAHAHAHA
and then she started laughing. It was so funny. and then when Nick came back I was still laughing and hes like "what's so funny?" and i told him that the whole theatre hear him fall and he was just like "those stairs are a piece of crap" HAHAHA That seriously made my day. I'll never forget that!
I LOVE YOU NICK!!!!!!!! :)
and Nick, im sorry if i had seemed like i was in a bad mood at first, I had a terrible headache, that's y i was drinking all that water too! lol.
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| sorry aaron! |
[Monday
August 15th, 2005 at 10:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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good |
] |
well i cant go to aaron's party :( BUT, im gonna go to a football scrimmage on friday w/ chrissy and christa and we will have lots of fun!
im kinda excited for school. eventho i know ill only enjoy the 1st week or 2 and then just want it to be over with. It hasnt really hit me yet that this is my last year in high school... maybe it has and i just dont really care becuz i go to stevenson and i hate it. my friends are all like were gonna have to go back and visit all our teachers, but im never going back there ever again! when i graduate im never gonna step foot in that school. If it wasnt against the law, i would most definately burn the whole school down til there was nothing left. but whatever its my last year and im gonna TRY and enjoy it... i doubt ill get very far with that. oh well...
im sad that summer is already almost gone. Its too short! But, I have to say, this was prolly the best summer of my life! its been grand. Kentucky was amazing! then camp rocked, along with all of my camp friends. and just everything in between was just awesome. im glad i have such awesome friends too! well, ima go now, me n christa r going rollerblading :) ttyl.
*>Leenie<*
ps. please pray that i make it into grand valley
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